I do not wish for them not to speak Chinese.
I love my own ability to speak Chinese.
I love the Chinese people, and the American Chinese diaspora.
And I love my children.
I love them so much that I want to talk with them. I want to talk with them in a language that is not a barrier to our communication. And I want to connect with them on a deep level.
I speak Chinese with my parents. And although they can speak English, it is very unnatural for me to speak English with them. Never in my life have I been able to communicate clearly with my parents. Yes, I can tell them simple things like what I’m up to and how their grand kids are doing. But to reach them on a heart level is very difficult.
It was not until college that I learned certain words in Chinese. Words like science, history, basic, such as, government, or even though. Just trying to explain to my mom tonight that we had installed a patio took a long time. All I could say was that we put in a big piece of cement. My heart aches over this and even now I weep for the chasm between us. What else can I not say to my own parents?
So to Ma and Ba, I’m sorry that you will not be able to speak your own language to your beloved grand kids. To Christian, Juliana, and any other kids that the Lord may give us – I’m sorry that you will have even less ability than me to talk with Yeh Yeh and Nai Nai. I’m sorry that you will not understand me when I talk on the phone with them. I’m sorry that you will have been so close to this beautiful language, yet have missed out on it entirely. It was because I loved you and wanted to share my heart with you that I have not taught you Chinese.